One of my least favorite qualities in myself is my inability to make decisions. It’s not that there isn’t value in being careful about what you decide on, but the problem is, there’s a certain amount of stress involved with wavering between two points. Or three or four.
When you decide everything else is ten times easier, you’re able to align your steps entirely toward achieving the end goal. And the number of possibilities you have to consider at any given time drops significantly. Ponder something as simple as deciding what to eat for lunch. Difficult! Making the wrong decision can waste your precious lunch period, waste your money, and potentially punish you for hours to come. You can also consider something as complex as a job offer. I consider this complex because it can change your whole life. Jobs change learning opportunities, take-home pay, and general well-being, but how do you know whether or not to the next job is the better job? You don’t! The only thing you know is where you are. Any decision to stray from the beaten path is a risk.
Right now I find myself being indecisive about all the things that matter: what should my writing look like, what should I invest in, should I cut certain people out my life, am I happy right now? I can’t even decide whether or not these things actually matter.
I’m starting to remember something my brother told me the other day that comforted me. I deconstructed it and was left with the simple idea, “go with the flow.” Instead of trying to know everything, give up some control.
The conversation started as a discussion of my frustrations. My primary frustration then, and probably now, is that I don’t know what God wants from me. I wish I could read all the signs and follow the marked path, but life isn’t that easy. Life is vast and vague and God gave us choices and speaks in a language most of us don’t understand.
I want to be the best that I can be everyday, so I place pressure on myself to make the best decisions, and therein lies the stress. How can I make the best decision if I don’t know what is expected of me?
I wish I had a person in my head that perked up every five minutes and yelled at me, “it’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out.” I’m picturing a cross between my subconscious self and those toy monkeys with the cymbals.
That person kinda exists. There’s a little voice in my dome trying to guide this train wreck onto safe ground, but she’s still kinda new to this. She’s got some more things to figure out before it’s smooth gliding.