Inconvenient

Love never was meant to be convenient

I knew the timing was bad when I met you
But isn’t it always bad timing?
Maybe not
Cuz now I’m thinkin’ that it all was doomed from the start
Curse me n my foolish heart
The “anything could happens” turned into urgent replies of
“Don’t put your eggs in one basket” 
I like the former, but live by the latter
The latter wont get me hurt
Or leave me empty for that matter
I’m not even sure if you have a clue what affect you have on me
Just when I when I want to give up it all you pull back from me
At least I’m smart enough to notice
Even if I lack the strength to control this
Part of me wanting more
You don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it
So I might have to make you sure

Wasting Time

Are you still not sure if this is gonna work?
I feel you pulling back
Taking precautions
Orange warnings popping up
They keep telling me to
Slow
Down………..

But I’ve got no fears
What are you really afraid of?
Are you afraid that you’d have one more thing to work for?
Seems to me you’ve never been afraid of working
Even though it’s perfectly reasonable to be afraid of hurtin’
Yet it’s so worth it

If you’re still not sure
Then our future is blurring before your very eyes
Instead of picturing us together down the line
Picture the demise of us
This brief courtship little more than a memory
Or at most a stopping point in time
A pretend game
Or distraction
Temporarily

And I promise I’ll change the picture too
Stop reminiscing
Forgetting
That dreams never really do come true
And instead of you giving your heart to me
I’ll swallow the fling and also the sting
Of never
Having you
Loving me

We will never fight to be together
Agonize over the distance
Wanting to fill this space
And crying tears of joys when I reach your place

We won’t whisper those three words

Ever

And I’ll never get the chance to say, “yes
As God is my witness
I’m accepting this gift
As a symbol of his forgiveness”
Because saying that is too real
It makes us feel like we’ve made it to a higher place

And who would want that anyway?
You know, to be happy?

Good Guys No Fun?

Would you prefer if your significant other was a cheating, lying, asshole, more interested in fronts and booze and tail than treating you with the respect and consideration you deserve? Yeah, they say they love you, but they stay out late, respond to texts rarely, text pictures to random people, and think it’s cute to play games. Men and Women.

The answer to my first question should be a resounding no, but I feel like a lot of people are teetering- claiming to want more in a person while seeking the intrigue and the challenge brought on by lesser “men.”

Yesterday, a friend of mine said he was tired of being a good guy. I was hurt. I told him, “Good girls grow out of bad guys when they’ve become women.” And I believe that.

I am one of those sinners who once loved men who didn’t deserve me. Thankfully, enough heartbreak and time alone made me force myself to love myself. And only then could I appreciate a good man.

The good guys and girls, they make you feel good about yourself. They inspire you to be stronger, smarter, better. They make you think about your dreams, but also make you want to include them in them. They’re afraid to hurt you and hurt when you’re not happy. They uplift. They don’t promise that it’ll always be easy, but that it will be worth it.

That’s the type of amazing shit you’ve got to earn.

Keep doing the “good” thing and “good” things will come your way.

The law of attraction.

Sax

It’s hard for me personally to not associate sex with the word sax. Mostly because they sound alike, but also because of what the sax does to you.

It makes you cheer. It makes you move. It makes you sing and get loud. And while you’re enjoying it, it mesmerizes you.
I saw Maurice “The Sax Man” of Cleveland and I loved it! I don’t know for sure what I liked best: having met the band in rehearsals before and seeing them draw a huge crowd after, the exhilaration of bringing energy to the filming of the sax man movie, the talented and underrated Sly, Slick, and Wicked, the intimate House of Blues venue, the surprise Congo and Nat King Cole performances by Maurice, or the sax. Maybe the sax.
From Casanova to the Sly, Sick & Wicked’s baby “Suit and Tie” to every song The Sax Man plays outside of Cleveland venues…I was moved. And the crowd wasn’t black or white, it was Cleveland. 
And we drank together. And we joked together. Clapped when asked, swayed without being asked. 
And we celebrated indeed when Maurice was awarded a day and a law letting music reign his honor. I almost cried thinking about him complaining about getting arrested for doing what he loves.
Art deserves to be free like that. Not just for him.
Not just for me.
For all of us.

Angry Inside

I read this book once that told me not to watch the news
Like, every time you turn to it, you’re greeted with the blues.
I wish I would’ve listened.
I wish I would’ve given,
Less time to the bullshit, but you’re in the same position.

And it’s not just in the paper
Not just on your TV,
It’s everywhere that you are, from Facebook to Worldstar
But
Twitter here’s the worst,
The anonymity hurts
For example,
You see a KKK wannabe
Laughing publicly ’bout history and
Things that shouldn’t be.
Death.
Is the number one trending topic
I try to block it
Why in the world can’t I stop it
From spreading
at least from the screen to my dome
where happiness was a once home
I got so much going on.
Like the Martin kid’s trial
Got the world in denial.
Since when does justice result in such a feeling of sufferin’
There’s clash from us to those of you who think that it’s nothing.
And it is compared to ratios of those who die to who lives.
Like why did a young dead celeb, bring about the les mis.
Do you realize?
The thirty million somebody’s who barely became kids
It’s part of a reality I simply up and delete
But today is just a day where it’s weighing on me.

I read this book once that told me not to watch the news
Like, every time you turn to it, you’re greeted with the blues.
I wish I would’ve listened.
I wish I would’ve given,
Less time to the bullshit, but you’re in the same position.

And there’s a different kind of news going around at work
Nothing about politics, but some bureacratic bull ish at work
See my e-mail is second hell, just like any news feed
It tells me when people are crying
Makes my party heart bleed.
In particular, this chick checking up on what I’m doing.
It feels like my pastor asking me not if, but who the hell I’m screwing.
Like why’s my business really your concern anyways
Especially when you see me grinding out my business all day
There are higher powers in play
That check up on me still
They come direct
So until I’ve got a question, please chill
I mean I feel where you’re coming from
You only wanna help
But it’s funny how I figured something you missed out on yaself
Every time I see your messages, it only brings me down
Like why is she all in my ear going round and round and…

I read this book once that told me not to watch the news
Like, every time you turn to it, you’re greeted with the blues.
I wish I would’ve listened.
I wish I would’ve given,
Less time to the bullshit, but you’re in the same position.

Negativity
It’s spreading from your laptops to your phones
Negativity
It follows you from your desk to your home
Negativity
Lurks to surprise you on a good day
But on a good day, you’d pay a smile to the heresy.
Negativity
Grows where disappointment arose
Tingles you from your heart, all the way to your toes
And it shows
Because you carry it high on your back
And until I wrote it down,
I couldn’t deal with all that.

Music as Distraction

I’m sitting here begging to write
but I keep listening to this damn poetry
by Alicia Keys
music is getting in the way of productivity
yet it always seems to comfort me
not the celebrity
but I really like the way it beats
a steady drum roll, heavy bass line
thanks to you my troubles free
and I’m floating into subtlety
emotionally free
I wanna rock with you
in the new york streets
sharing stolen moments until the distraction starts to trouble me
see loving the words and the music is a difficulty
because I’m lost in some one else’s notes
but I want you to hear a part of me
that exists most essentially
good thing there was never truly originality
I’m alive in these words
but the world’s music lives in me.

That Thing I Shouldn’t Have Left In College

When I think back to college, I always remember the riot my freshman year. It was more a peaceful demonstration, a quiet protest. It doesn’t matter much that students were insolently demonstrating on the lawn to get out of classes following a power outage. What matters is that everyone wanted to be a part of it, and they were. There was exhilaration, pre-twitter news travel at twitter speeds, kids standing in trees, policemen (of course), and a feeling that if you weren’t present you would miss a moment that could come only once a lifetime. So we didn’t.

In college, we did anything and everything without apology. Let’s make the front page of the paper. Easy. Feel like going to the market and scavenging for food? Ok. Feel like making videos of us dancing? Ok. Secret Santa sounds like fun. Ok. There’s a party at the Alpha house? Ok. At 3am? Even better. We’re sophomores so we can pledge. Ok. We don’t have cars, but we can car pool to the nearest mall. Ok. Now that we have cars we can drive to Cincinnati to kick it big city style. Bet. There’s an etiquette class? Ok. We can host a talent show and draw half the black population. Yes. I feel like walking across the city. Ok. The bus goes to Walmart now?! Sweet! My mom doesn’t have to know this boy is in my bedroom? Hehe. The Dalai Lama is here! Go! We can register voters in the election of the first black president. Sure! We can canvas, paint bricks, and post pictures of “our” President. Yes. We might be sneaking out in the middle of the night to partake in illegal activities? Shh. Like drinking green beer underage and skipping class during midterms. No big. And hunt down potato bowls, fruit pizzas, and crepe carts. Indeed. Meet at the basketball courts! Check. At the hot tub in the rec center! Check. At the dorm kitchen with crab legs. Why not?
Not everything was so monumental, but in between classes and those other important things, we made time for impulses and random experiences.
Since college, life has dramatically slowed down and that “get up and go” attitude all but subsided. And I’m saying that as a bad thing. If there’s nothing pressing to do, it’s easy to do nothing. How many experiences have you heard about, just before politely passing them over?
Now, let’s acknowledge all the things that have made this shift possible. The excuses: Jobs, the fact the real world is not a college campus and your city not a dorm, friends becoming inaccessible due to jobs and distance, having to pay back loans instead of blow them, and a general sense of greater responsibility.
To all this I say “poo-poo.” “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” “Excuses are tools of incompetence…” If you truly believe your college years were the best years of your life, you have an unfortunate, long and dull continuing existence. So get up off your ass.
There’s so much MORE to experience in real life. Museums to visit, plays to see, water parks to conquer, beaches to roam, bottle caps to collect, countries to photograph, projects to volunteer in, hobbies to explore…Do you get where I’m going with this?
I have lived in suburbs all my life and I’m only now starting to feel like I’m missing out. I’m starting to want to trade security for risks, countryside for concrete, long commutes downtown for bus routes, and supermarkets for art districts. Even though most college campuses were suburban in reality, they’re a city to the imagination. 
Regardless, the options and opportunities are there. I’ve just gotta take them. Are you gon’ roll?

Tangents (Part 1)

He smiled at me.
One of those wicked smiles that’s both an introduction and a finale.
I couldn’t help but imagine him imagining me sensually.
In my mind he was admiring everything about me that could be appreciated at a moment’s glance
and I was here hoping he liked what he saw.
Because if he did, he might be more likely to wrap his arms around my waist.
Tight.
Just.
Like.
That.
And I would inhale him completely.
In this dream his warmth swallows me and I wake up beside him.
Blinking hard.
Trying to remember how I got there.
Backtracking, my dress is hiked up so that my thigh starts where the countertop ends and he’s…
Oh.

I got lost in thought for a second.
Let’s take a step back from heaven.

But my mind wanders again.
Suddenly you’re my best friend.
Late night phone calls become daily excursions, become achy hearts, and fear of separation.
But at the moment we’re laughing.
Doesn’t matter where we are, but my mind is so open to doing anything.
As long as it’s with him.
And he just gave me a ring that promises something I feel like I already knew.
Forever?
Inevitable.
Us?
Inseparable.
I swear I saw this moment, the moment that I met you.

I get lost in thought for a second too long.
You see how heaven did me wrong?

Leap back into reality.
I’m anxious.
At the simple thought of this reality.
I’m scared.
Of admitting that they’re a part of me.
And terrified.
That you have no interest in this possibility.
See, for the first time, I have to acknowledge an alternate reality.
Where you and me?
Never were.
And never will
Be.
I need to chill
before I get too ahead of myself.
Let down my guard
Mess around
And
Fall down
Through all these tangents.