Me and Myself

I talk to myself a lot more now. I just didn’t realize it until I finally tried talking to other people again. See, I thought that I didn’t have much to say, and that’s why I stayed quiet.

“What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing much. Just working and singing,” I’d say. I thought in terms of actions, and for those, there were a few meaningful items topping my list. Ones I do every week without fail, without thinking now. Then, I’d blank as if there was nothing else to say. Conversation aborted.

In reality, I’m just reserving my thoughts. Speaking them to my reflection, or writing them, or waiting for someone I can trust to pull them from me.

When I recognize it happening, I notice the words are a waterfall. One idea laced into another, pouring with no known end or sequence. All it takes is the right lever.

And then, without my full awareness, I’m telling you about a book I read. What it taught me about the world and the illusions and agreements I no longer want to abide by. About ideas of “should” and how I’m more interested in what my voice is telling me. About my insecurities and how I’m fighting them every single day. About dreams that have kept me up at night, and love that has me sleeping through the day. About finding purpose and measuring that against the value of operating as if nothing matters.

I can’t talk to everyone about this. Not everyone wants to or is capable of understanding. A rare few listen openly, and even fewer relate. And sometimes, I realize I don’t want to share everything.

Not all of my thoughts are up for public debate. They don’t need to be assuaged or measured by your own experiences. I’m not on a stand for judgment. In fact, I’m working on being kinder to myself, something that no one else can do for me.

So, I hope as you read this, you know I’m doing this for myself. This is my way of processing how I feel, and if it sparks a dialogue, great! If not, at least I’ve figured out a way to say “it.” “It” being that thing that I carry with me that needs to be let down.

My friends and I share a lot of wonderful things. Happy hours, movies, memes, gifs, frustrations, stories, trips, memories. But me and my best friend? We share everything.


sabrina

you know my name, but you’ll forget my face
there’s something special about me
yet you’re incapable of seeing it, while you…
you fill every breath i breathe
you’re with me when i wake, when good happens, and when i’m
chasing away the bad
everyone can see it
how i long for you while you long for her
how i’d embarrass myself to catch a glimpse of you
and pinch myself for spying more than i intended
but i wish you well
maybe i should run away

i’ll go somewhere exotic and beautiful
where no one knows me and i’ll be forced to learn something other than the curves of your face
maybe i’ll take up cooking or photography
and i’ll knead and fold away images of you
knead and fold, knead and fold
and i’ll perform surgery on myself
as if cutting my hair, flicking my lashes, and adjusting my walk will fix me
as if it will change the way i feel about you
it won’t
i hope that another man will
but he won’t either

i’ll come home eventually
virtual unrecognizable
you’ll see my beauty, my charm, but not the woman who is still, after all this time, in love with you
we’ll carry on and laugh as if i’m carefree
that’s the mask i’m wearing these days
but if you listened hard enough, you’d hear my heart beating in my chest
fast when we’d dance
faster when we’d part
and slow, slow when i felt myself wishing i could take her place

maybe i’m not meant for you after all
because even though you see the best in me
my smile, my intelligence, my wit
it isn’t love
if it was love, you’d fight for me
there’d be no question
because you couldn’t imagine life without me
or me with anyone else
so i think i’ll just run again
but this time i won’t come back
that’s as close as i’ll get to letting go
maybe it’s destined
a loveless life, that is,
for a girl named Sabrina.

take me away

let’s go on a trip

no destination needed

you grab the wheel and I’ll grab your hand

and we’ll fly to foreign places

daydream with me

your house, my house, ours…

then drop me in the valley where civilization disappears

and all you see is me

yearning for you

rev me up

and then keep going

why stop on this earth when we can go past the moon

stars will blind my sight

gravity will disappear

and we’ll be so far into bliss

that no one can touch us