I talk to myself a lot more now. I just didn’t realize it until I finally tried talking to other people again. See, I thought that I didn’t have much to say, and that’s why I stayed quiet.
“What’s going on?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just working and singing,” I’d say. I thought in terms of actions, and for those, there were a few meaningful items topping my list. Ones I do every week without fail, without thinking now. Then, I’d blank as if there was nothing else to say. Conversation aborted.
In reality, I’m just reserving my thoughts. Speaking them to my reflection, or writing them, or waiting for someone I can trust to pull them from me.
When I recognize it happening, I notice the words are a waterfall. One idea laced into another, pouring with no known end or sequence. All it takes is the right lever.
And then, without my full awareness, I’m telling you about a book I read. What it taught me about the world and the illusions and agreements I no longer want to abide by. About ideas of “should” and how I’m more interested in what my voice is telling me. About my insecurities and how I’m fighting them every single day. About dreams that have kept me up at night, and love that has me sleeping through the day. About finding purpose and measuring that against the value of operating as if nothing matters.
I can’t talk to everyone about this. Not everyone wants to or is capable of understanding. A rare few listen openly, and even fewer relate. And sometimes, I realize I don’t want to share everything.
Not all of my thoughts are up for public debate. They don’t need to be assuaged or measured by your own experiences. I’m not on a stand for judgment. In fact, I’m working on being kinder to myself, something that no one else can do for me.
So, I hope as you read this, you know I’m doing this for myself. This is my way of processing how I feel, and if it sparks a dialogue, great! If not, at least I’ve figured out a way to say “it.” “It”
My friends and I share a lot of wonderful things. Happy hours, movies, memes, gifs, frustrations, stories, trips, memories.