Today I was struggling to think of what to write. I thought my life had suddenly become dull and boring, but it turns out I just didn’t want to say what was actually on my mind. I wanted to shove my thoughts into a pocket deep, deep, deep in the back of my mind. Now here we are.
I now have to confront the fact that I’m terrified of building attachments to other people. And once again it’s becoming a problem.
See, I have a problem where I can get a wee bit too invested in others, and then splat!–disappointment. On a light day, my fam will say they’ll call me “right back,” but I don’t hear from them for weeks. That maybe leaves a light sting. The worst possible thing is when you give your whole heart to someone and they take their heart and give it to someone else. Been there, done that, never want to do it again. Except I had to face both over the last couple of days.
Have you ever heard “All In It” from Justin Bieber’s Purpose album? If not, let me tell you all about it. Blah blah blah, “don’t do nothing less your heart’s in it,” blah blah blah, and then there’s a monologue at the end. Bieber’s monologue is the part that matters here:
“I quickly found out that I wasn’t going to get the recognition that I wanted or that I needed because people are imperfect and by not being perfect you sometimes can disappoint people and with God, it’s like He’s perfect, and He never disappoints, so I just get my recognition from Him and give Him recognition.”
It’s truly beautiful, and I find myself nodding solemnly every time I listen to it, but damn that’s a hard pill to stomach. God? Awesome. Great. Dependable. Just the best. Always. People? Cool, not dependable. Great sometimes, not so great others. Imperfect and known to cause disappointment. Shit.
I can’t blame y’all for being such beautiful flawed beings. I love y’all to death and I just have to learn to accept the fact that half of y’all are gonna ignore my facetimes, not text back, go on vacations without me, and break my heart. But as a wise friend of mine said, “charge it to the head, not the heart.”
I’m still surrounded by love. I feel it when I get those “I miss you” messages and when people try to make plans. I feel it when I get spontaneous invites, and keep getting invited even though I keep finding other things to do. And I feel it when we share those days that remind me why we became friends in the first place. And when people falter, as even I sometimes do, I remember that I’ve got two forces to step in–I’ve got me and I’ve got the big G.