Things I’ll one day understand

This post isn’t about happy hour.

Today I found some friends and sat on a patio in the sun only to be told that the happy hour menu was bar only. The waitress was extremely apologetic but also firm: even though we could see the bar, we had to sit AT the bar, in the shade, for happy hour prices. But we did to save $1.50 here, $3 there, $4 elsewhere. And it wasn’t half bad sitting at high chairs on a warm humid day.

About thirty minutes later, the sky grew dark, and the rain that the forecast had threatened us with all day finally fell torrentially. And I just watched it all with pleasure from the safety of my covered seat at the bar.

When the waitress, now bartender, returned, she laughed at it with me and said, “Everything happens for a reason.” And I told her, “Yes, I believe that!” I even added umph when I said it. Like that was THE thing I live by.

How ironic it is that I find myself now wondering why the universe saw it fit to place you in my life. That phrase, “everything happens for a reason,” requires a certain amount of faith. It’s so easy to say after you’ve learned or gained or shared what you’re meant to, but the real power in it comes when you can look at life like, “It’s gonna work out because everything happens for a reason even if I don’t understand that reason.”

I feel disingenuous placing emphasis on those words and then later seeking explanations for things I’m not meant to know.

But I try anyways.

My favorite thought is that I’m meant to protect you. You have enough guardian angels I’m sure, but maybe I’m the only one who can protect you from making my recent mistakes. Maybe you’ll hear me when I say “chill out” or “be kind to yourself.” Maybe if I’m around enough to say it enough, eventually it will stick with you enough to keep you from suffering in your mind the way I did for years.

I’m not naive enough to believe you’re the one who’s really being saved though. At the least I can try to repay you in words. You’ve taught me to see the beauty in myself. I’m flattered by what you see on the outside but I light up from what you see on the inside. The fact that someone can see and appreciate all the bare bones, cellular fragments of me gives me courage to be me every single day.

You make me want to shine, and work hard, and spread love. Partly, for myself. But, to be honest, it’s also to live up to your expectations and to lift you up when you need it.

Together we create magical memories. And sometimes I wonder if it’s those moments alone that I’m meant to take from this. Where we share music, and stories, and goals, and fears, and dreams, and plans. I would say that would be enough, but I’d be lying.

Why allow me to create so much good in not enough time? Why force my expectations for future happiness so far past the ceiling? Is it truly better to have loved and lost than never loved before?

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be on the other side of this time, missing the hell out of you but with no string, tape, or glue, nothing that will fix it. And I’m also praying for the rain to fall to give me some true indication as to why you were placed in my life with such a force. But somewhere deep, deep down, I’m terrified at the possibility that life operates without any reason at all.

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