Chapter 24

There’s this nagging, no good, idiotic part of my brain that wonders if I’m in the same place I was three years ago. Or worse.

I look back at this blog and think, “here I go again.” The posts I look back on have the same themes that play back in my head today: finding myself, a need for self-expression, loving music, loving men.

Maybe those issues are timeless and generic. These are the themes I see in my favorite mystery series, in those irresistible rom-coms starring Jennifer Lopez, in the random groups on my Facebook page, and in my best friend’s life.

Regardless of the fact I am not alone in my turmoil, I still resent life. For a short time, I was overjoyed to read about Jenny Lawson’s daily struggle with a host of mental issues. She was not only owning up to it, but she wrote about it and people ate it up like cake. Plus, she appears to have a great sense of humor about everything. However, when I set Furiously Happy down I was still left with my life and my personality and the very personal question of how the fuck was I going to deal with the rest of my life. Her formula can’t be mine (which is somewhat unfortunate since she married a man who accepts that she films dead animals riding living animals in the wee hours of the night).

Nope. I am me with x levels of family attachment, y decibels of brain overactivity, and z lbs of steadily developing muscle. 🙂

As a result, I am also the best person to help combat the negative feelings of being, for lack of a better word, lost. To do this, I have to remind myself just who the fuck I am.

Step 1. Let’s talk more about the muscles. In 2015 your new year’s resolution was to be happy which had nothing to do with getting fit, but you still started the 7 minute workout anyways. I don’t remember why except maybe that good habits start young (and vanity). That turned into Zumba. Zumba became T25. T25 became 21 Day Fix and a Team Beachboy Membership. Then came 21 Day Fix Extreme and weights and fitness bands and 30 minutes a day. I say all this to say, bravo. You’re really doing that shit and even after you eat donuts, fries, sliders, and Starbucks, you look damn good.

Step 2. Reading! Sure you haven’t written in 3 years, but you’re reading like a machine! It’s week 20 of the year and you’ve read 20 books. Got damn. You thought you would’ve given up by now, but a lucky combination of boredom, isolation, and patience got you to read a shit ton of books from mysteries to memoir to finance. Keep going!!

Step 2.5 Psst! You’re writing now so that counts for something!

Step 3. Your faith evolves daily. You don’t have to identify with a religion to talk to God, but now more than ever, you feel like he’s speaking to you and saying, “be patient.” Everything’s in his time.

Step 4. Think about those new meals you’ve been getting compliments on! I know you thought you’d have to marry a chef, but there’s hope for you yet. You graduated from Hamburger Helper to cutting garlic, perfecting asparagus, addicting people to your Spaghetti, and challenging yourself to a couple Chicken and Pork Chop dishes that have gotten rave reviews from people from 25-65. You have to start somewhere and now you know what you’re capable of. Eventually you’ll even be able to make pancakes. 😛

Step 5. It’s National Mental Health Awareness month so it’s less taboo to admit that you’re getting help and that’s extremely brave. When it gets bad, real bad, it’s important to find someone to talk to. Suffering in silence is far worse.

Step 6. You have a whole lotta love to give and that in itself makes you fucking incredible. Your family knows how much you cherish them, your puppies are spoiled, and your friends..are probably sick of you, but they know you mean well. Loving others can seem like a task at times, but it’s also a gift.

Step 7. Everyday you try to be the best you can be. Sometimes that’s doing something out of your comfort zone. Sometimes that’s communicating better or listening harder. Sometimes that’s just convincing yourself to get out of bed and eat. But you keep going.

I can’t promise I’ll keep this blog up (or even that I’ll cut back on Snickers). But everything I do helps me become more me and I’m looking forward to seeing who I’ll be in the next chapter.

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